“ I’m a black woman. In more detail, I’m a fat, gap-tooth, glasses- wearing black woman. Life was never easy for me. I was always teased for being me. I hated growing up but I never hated being the person that I am. I never hated being a black woman. When I see kids and even adults not proud of being black I’m often hurt by it. Mainly because I could never know what that type of hate towards myself would feel like. When I see other people that hate us, black people, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m pretty numb to it at this point. It’s just sad because I know you were raised to be this way. What’s even sadder? You’re going to raise your children the same way. You know what’s the saddest thing about this? You hate others because of your own insecurities and lack of intelligence. You choose to be ignorant because you don’t want to be better than your parents . You’re scared that the truth will make your parents or whoever raised you look like the bad person that they are. You’re scary. And I’m not afraid. I was raised to be strong and you were raised to be weak. My people had nothing but loved being themselves. Your people had everything and still needed my people to feel complete. We’re not the same. I use to want to be equals but in all reality, I just want peace….. to the POC that don’t like my people, that’s unfortunate. You’re in the same boat as us. I was never raised to hate and don’t know many if any black people that were raised in that light . We’re the most hated yet most forgiving people on this planet. I hope reading this let you know that I have no hate in my heart for anyone. I’m going to love being me regardless how you feel. Just know that I’m always going to be me and if you have a problem with it then you should probably remove me out of your life. I hope you educate yourself and not put your children in a situation where they will come off as hateful and ignorant. We as people have to do better then our parents. It’s not disrespectful to them ,it’s healing for us.” – Erika Starr, Founder of #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
PS: Anybody that takes offense to my post I assume that there’s hate in your heart like I discussed. If you’re not the person that I discuss in this post there’s no reason why you should be upset by anything that was said. I had a lot on my mind and I needed to express it.
“The first time I felt like killing myself was when I was 10 years old. I’ve struggled with my health since I was a baby and I remember being angry at God cuz he made me suffer so much, I was constantly in & out of clinics and any kind of healers my parents came across. I remember telling my mom I wanted to die and wanting reassurance and support from her, to be told I was loved. Instead, she told every family member she could that I wanted to die, not sure what she got out of doing it. From then on, I knew I didn’t have anyone else to support me emotionally, I guess that’s when I realized mental health was a thing.
My dad was always working. My mother was a stay at home wife until I was 15, she was always occupied with things that weren’t me. That was normal to me. I didnt see it as if my parents had any mental issues growing up. They were good providers, I never went hungry, always had a roof over my head and clothes on my back. They just lacked emotional intelligence but that also had to with how they were raised.
As an adult, I struggle with depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts when stressed. I hate antianxiety meds cuz they make me feel too suicidal to function. I take mental health days as often as I can and keep in touch with the few close friends that I have. My creative outlets include sewing, painting, cooking/baking, and I work on learning new ways to create with different mediums.
Mental awareness to me means being mindful about your own mind and your actions. I can only speak for myself but I’m constantly in my head so i try to check myself. I like to think that my conscience keeps me in line. You gotta be the change you wanna see in the world right?”
I’m starting to enjoy being me and I love it! I used to be so insecure about how I looked and my personality. I know I’m the black sheep of any group I’m involved in and I’m ok with that. There’s no problem with being different, unique, weird or any other term people try to use that comes off offensive. I rather be me then someone that’s like everyone else. I enjoy standing out. A lot of time we confuse being different with being wrong. Sometimes the “norm” is a red flag of insecurities. Just think about it; a lot of people we know or have seen act the same way. Who’s being real? If I see 10 people in a group all acting the same, I know at least two or three isn’t being their real self.
I can honestly say that none of my friends are exactly alike. We’re all are our own persons and I love them for it. With that being said, I’ve had times in my past where I wasn’t comfortable being me with some of my friends. This was because of me and NOT them. I thought I was weird for liking the stuff that I liked. I could never meet people that liked everything I was into. I basically beat myself up about something that was normal. You won’t ever find people that like all the things you like and that’s OK. My friends never made me feel like I was weird and that’s why they’re my friends.
The people around you makes a difference when you’re trying to find comfort within yourself. You should never befriend anyone that tries to make you change you. Now if you’re attitude is bad or you’re acting out of character that’s different. Your friends should definitely tell you about yourself in that case. I know it’s a thin line, but it’s a line that we all should know exist and respect it. We all have to learn that people’s opinions about us are just opinions. That’s all they really should be for the most part unless something extremely offensive was said. You’ll know the difference.
A lot of my comfort came from me being tired. I’m not an actor so why was I ACTING like I was into things that I wasn’t? I wasn’t happy with myself. Now, with me being my true self, I see why I had trouble with being social. I wasn’t confident in what I was saying because the real me wasn’t speaking or expressing myself. I wrote this post because for the first time in my life I can openly say that I’m comfortable with me. I’m doing everything I been wanting to do and the support I’ve obtain has been overwhelming. Comfort comes from within and it takes some time to get use to. The hardest part is being OK with the fact that others may not like the real you. We spend a lot of our time being cautious with how we act around others, but we lose ourselves in the process. We can’t be afraid of us. Being liberated is about self-expression. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
Hello guys. These last few days have been busy for me. Thursday, I went to check out a creative space that I had been researching for a while now. For the first time in a while, I felt like I was doing something that was going to change my life in a great way. The amount of professionalism an office space brings is remarkable. For my team, I think it’ll bring us more people to work with as well as an outlet for us to work even harder. For me, personally, it’ll bring me a piece of mind. I often stress about how I’m not motivated when working from home. It brings too many distractions. Every day, I search for ways to change the way my life is going. I grind every day like I don’t have anything to lose, just so much to gain. Some might say that I overwhelm myself but, in reality, I just want more for myself. Seeing that space gave me the drive to work harder and to fully brand myself.
Also, this weekend, I went to The Revolt Summit. I was there all three days and I couldn’t be more motivated. I saw an ad about the summit a month ago and I just knew I needed to be there. I spent pretty much the last of my check for a pass. Some would say that I wasn’t thinking logically but I saw it as an investment for my future. I didn’t know what I was doing and what exactly I was going to gain from the experience, but I knew it’ll change something within me. Plus, you never know who you’ll meet. I met some amazing career driven individuals. I exchanged information with some as well. I learned a few things that weekend. One thing I learned is to always believe in what you’re doing, and others will follow. I really didn’t know what exactly I wanted to gain from the summit until I started to talk to others about my vision. I received some great feedback from others as well as suggestions on how to make my vision even better. I even received praise for what I trying to do and that made me feel confident about what I was trying to accomplish.
There were quite a few gems I heard over the weekend, but my favorite was to KNOW YOUR WORTH. As a creative, a lot of people tend to shortchange your work. A lot of what we do takes a lot of time, money and effort to accomplish. If I’m a photographer, for example, I had to buy my camera, buy the equipment as well as the editing software I need for touching my pictures up. That could become very costly. Not to mention how much time is put into the pictures. Time is the most valuable thing of all. If your friend is hosting an event, nothing about that is free. Why would you assume you could attend for free if the flyer states otherwise? You should want to purchase tickets unless told otherwise. Let that person get in a position where they can afford for their loved ones to attend everything at a discount. Your worth feels compromised if you don’t say anything. You avoid losing a lot of money by speaking up. Real friends and supporters will still be there regardless. It’s OK with giving a discount of your work from the beginning but at some point, essentially profit from it.
After this weekend, I want to help others more than ever. I’m ready to get my vision out there and to work with others to accomplish theirs. I respect everyone’s craft and I’m always willing to support. For those who are reading this, I want you to know that you can do anything you put your mind to. It’s also ok to say no. Don’t feel bad about that because you have to do what’s best for you sometimes. Don’t let people shortchange your dream when it’s so valuable to you. Lastly, be your biggest fan. My grandmother once told me, “People value self-worth.” Confidence is everything. Once people see how much you value what you do the support will follow. I hope by reading this you know that believing in yourself is key. You just have be patient and have faith. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike
“Everything happens for a reason.” This is something we’ve been told our whole lives. What does this even mean? This can mean a lot of different things. One thing I learned over time is sometimes you’re not meant to find out. That’s the lesson. Life lessons are things we learn over time that teach of something. Whether it’s a skill or an unspoken rule to life, it’s not something that was created by chemicals. These things are usually created by experiences.
I’m learning a lot about myself lately and it’s great. I spent a lot of my life not understanding my own personality traits. I couldn’t tell you why I felt a certain way or why I did things. Sometimes I still couldn’t tell you, but I learned that I’m unpredictable at times. It’s in my genes. I can’t control it a times and that’s OK. We must learn that we can’t always be in control. We must embrace who we are and work on what we fault within ourselves. Everyone needs some type of guidance. We can’t always rely on self. That’s been my biggest lesson I’ve had to learn.
I grew up pretending that I could do everything on my own with no outside help. This isn’t realistic. I put so much pressure on myself this way. I never like to depend on others or anything especially mental health. I thought only I could truly make me happy. Only I could truly love and care about me. This was a toxic thought process that I had to overcome. I realized over time that I needed others. I needed people to help me when I was behind in my work. I needed people to talk to. I needed guidance. I needed someone to look up to. I didn’t really have this growing up. I don’t blame anyone for this. This was the cards I was dealt, and I needed to embrace it. My family tried but I wasn’t willing to except my life for what it was. I was broken and didn’t know what pieces I was missing.
I was on this spiritual roller coaster too. I never questioned that a higher being existed I just never fully invested in the theory. When my mom passed this changed. I talked to him (or her, you choose) and he delivered in actions. This is why I live by, “actions speak louder than words.” He doesn’t talk to me; he shows me, and I listen. This helps me. This brings structure to my life. What speaks to you? Try taking the things you learned from life and embracing them. Own them. I learn a lot by writing notes to myself. Find something you’re into and relate them back to you as a person.
In conclusion, I just want to state this: I am not who I am today without my adversity. The life lessons I required over the years have changed how I view everything. I’m not optimistic like I use to be. A former US Senator, once said, “Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.” Learn to embrace everything that happens and be willing to grow. #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike